our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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