we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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