Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
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