I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
