Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
