he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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