he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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