best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
