I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
