Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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