Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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