my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
