I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
