the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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