I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
