If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
