No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
