My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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