but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
