I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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