yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
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he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
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I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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