the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
