She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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