I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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