It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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