my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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