I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
