Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
