either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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