We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
