did you get engaged???
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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