Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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