I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
