I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
