when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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