I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
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He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
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He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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