I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
my shit smells like andre
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
