who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
