I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
