Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
