I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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