Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
