I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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