last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
This gyro tastes like lonliness
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our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
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Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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