how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
