so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize