My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
