Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I have fence marks all over my body
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
