If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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