my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
