I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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