I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
