hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
