u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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