Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
