Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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