I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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