Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
