I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
