Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
