Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
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And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
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I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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