my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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